How to Work With Your Brain Chemistry (Without Medication)

Your brain chemistry is not broken. It is responsive.

Dopamine and serotonin shift based on stress, loss, stimulation, rhythm, meaning, and social context. Life transitions, substance use, and lifestyle choices all influence them. This guide shows how to work with these shifts skillfully rather than forcing motivation, suppressing symptoms, or pathologizing normal neurobiology.

The goal is not constant happiness.

The goal is restored momentum, dignity, and stability.

Dopamine: Move, Master, and Play

Dopamine drives motivation, curiosity, and the experience of reward. Supporting it means focusing on move, master, and play. Move involves engaging in physical activity or movement towards a goal. Master is about challenging yourself to learn, practice, and improve skills to experience a sense of achievement. Play emphasizes exploring novelty, fun, and stimulating activities that make life exciting and rewarding.

Low dopamine often feels like:

• Not being able to get started

• Everything feels effortful

• Low motivation

• Irritability

• Inability to feel pleasure

• Difficulty focusing or initiating tasks

• Craving high-stimulation activities (i.e. junk food, social media, video games)

What lowers dopamine over time:

• Endless scrolling, short-form media, or constant novelty

• Porn, gambling, or thrill-seeking

• Chronic multitasking

• Sleep deprivation

• Sugar crashes and poor diet

• Substances:

  • Alcohol can provide initial relief but lowers motivation over time

  • Daily cannabis use can blunt drive

  • Nicotine creates spikes followed by motivation drops between doses

  • Stimulants such as amphetamine, cocaine, or excess caffeine produce large dopamine spikes but lower baseline motivation

High-dopamine activities (use strategically):

• Intense workouts or competition

• Video games or fast-paced media

• Sex and orgasm

• Risk-taking or thrill activities

• Winning or praise

How to support dopamine without medication:

• Break tasks into small, finishable steps

• Use visible completion such as checklists or timers

• Pair effort with novelty or learning

• Include short bursts of movement or strength-based exercise

• Reduce overstimulation rather than chasing more

If you cannot start, your system does not need discipline. It needs evidence that effort produces reward.

Serotonin: Rest, Respect, and Belonging

Serotonin helps you feel calm, steady, and emotionally secure. Supporting it means focusing on rest, respect, and belonging. Rest involves prioritizing sleep, downtime, and recovery to let your nervous system reset. Respect is about cultivating a sense of value and recognition for yourself, feeling competent and appreciated. Belonging encourages building meaningful connections and relationships that reinforce feeling accepted and safe.

Low serotonin often feels like:

• Falling behind

• Persistent sadness

• Not mattering

• Losing your place

• Rumination

• Negative thinking

• Emotionally sensitive

What lowers serotonin:

• Social isolation or prolonged loneliness

• Relationship loss, rejection, or underemployment

• Chronic comparison

• Irregular routines or poor sleep

• Lack of sunlight or time outdoors

• Feeling unseen, unnecessary, or unvalued

• Substances:

  • Alcohol can provide temporary calm but lowers mood long-term

  • Cannabis can provide short-term calm but may cause serotonin dysregulation with frequent use

  • Benzodiazepines can create short-term calm while baseline anxiety increases

  • MDMA produces strong connection acutely but leads to a serotonin crash afterward

How to support serotonin without medication:

• Establish consistent routines and rhythms

• Get sunlight and engage in steady movement

• Engage in meaningful contribution such as mentoring, caregiving, or service

• Choose social connection that emphasizes belonging rather than performance

• Practice grounded posture, presence, and embodiment

• Live in alignment with your values even when external status is low

So remember this…

Low mood during transition does not mean you are broken. It means your nervous system is tracking safety, hierarchy, and belonging.

Jungian Psychology 101: Understanding Carl Jung Without the Confusion

Carl Jung (1875–1961) was born in Kesswil, Switzerland, into a family with strong religious and intellectual roots. His early life was marked by illness, isolation, and a fascination with dreams and the unconscious, experiences that deeply influenced his later work. Jung initially studied medicine at the University of Basel, earning his degree in 1900, and soon specialized in psychiatry, drawn to understanding the human psyche in its complexity.

Jung began his career collaborating with Sigmund Freud, sharing an interest in the unconscious and dream interpretation. Their partnership was intense but ultimately fractured due to differing views on human motivation. Jung diverged from Freud by emphasizing the collective unconscious and the archetypal forces shaping human behavior, forming the foundation of his own school of thought, Analytical Psychology. Over his life, he lectured widely, wrote extensively, and worked with patients to explore dreams, symbols, and personal transformation.

The Core of Jungian Theory
At the heart of Jungian psychology is the idea that the psyche is composed of conscious and unconscious layers, and that humans strive toward individuation—the process of becoming a fully realized, integrated self. Jung proposed that unconscious elements, including archetypes—universal, symbolic patterns—inform our behaviors, relationships, and inner conflicts. Engaging with these hidden parts of ourselves can foster insight, creativity, and personal growth.

Jung paid particular attention to symbolism, myths, and dreams. He believed that the psyche communicates through images and narratives, and that interpreting these symbols helps individuals understand their inner life and connect to universal human experiences. Unlike Freud, who focused on personal sexual and aggressive drives, Jung emphasized spiritual, symbolic, and collective dimensions of human experience.

Archetypes, Shadow, and Personal Growth
A central concept in Jung’s work is the shadow—the parts of ourselves we repress or deny. Integrating the shadow allows for authenticity, creativity, and balanced relationships. Archetypes like the Hero, the Sage, or the Anima/Animus represent recurring patterns in the human experience, guiding behavior and personal development. Individuation, in Jungian terms, is a lifelong journey of self-discovery and integration, connecting conscious life with unconscious material.

Jung also introduced the idea of psychological types, later popularized as introversion and extraversion, and thinking, feeling, sensation, and intuition. These frameworks help individuals understand personal tendencies, preferences, and ways of relating to the world, fostering both self-awareness and relational insight.

Legacy and Influence on Therapy
Jung continued working until his death in 1961 in Küsnacht, Switzerland, leaving a profound legacy in psychology, spirituality, and culture. His influence spans:

• Analytical Psychology (his original system emphasizing individuation and archetypes)

• Dream Work and Symbolic Therapy (used in modern psychotherapy and personal development)

• Transpersonal and Depth Psychology (integrating spiritual and unconscious dimensions)

• Personality Typing Systems (including the basis for the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator)

• Creative Arts Therapies (encouraging symbolic and expressive approaches to healing)

Jung’s work reminds us that human growth comes from integration, understanding unconscious forces, and engaging with both the personal and collective dimensions of our psyche. He viewed individuals as complex, symbolic beings striving for wholeness, creativity, and connection to something larger than themselves.

The Past-Narrative Healing Guide: Mapping and Rewriting Your Life Story

This guide is an intensive, past-focused narrative healing process designed to help you understand how early experiences shaped your identity, coping strategies, and relationships—and to consciously choose how you want to live now. This is not about diagnosing or reliving pain; it’s about uncovering the logic behind your adaptations and reclaiming authorship of your life story.

Use this as a living document. Move slowly and revisit as your understanding deepens.

How to Use This Guide

• Complete one section per sitting for focus and depth.

• Write what happened first, what you felt second, what you decided or concluded last.

• Approach your younger self with curiosity and compassion, not judgment.

• After each section, ask: What did I learn to do because of this—and is it still serving me?

Foundational Belonging & Caregiver Imprints

Mother Wound — Nurture, Safety, and the Feminine

Explore early experiences of care and how they shaped your sense of emotional safety, trust, and relationship to the feminine—both within yourself and others.

Reflect on:

• Moments care felt inconsistent, conditional, or emotionally absent

• Times you learned to self-soothe, hide feelings, or stay quiet

• Experiences of feeling responsible for her emotions or stability

• How affection was tied to behavior, mood, or compliance

• Early impressions of warmth, vulnerability, or softness as safe or unsafe

Meaning-Making Questions:

• What did closeness come to mean to me?

• How did this shape my relationship to the feminine—internally and relationally?

• How would I like to relate to nurture and receptivity now?

Father Wound — Direction, Authority, and Orientation

Examine how guidance, approval, and limits shaped your sense of competence, power, and direction.

Reflect on:

• Early attempts to seek guidance or affirmation

• Emotional, physical, or psychological absence

• Experiences of criticism, pressure, or comparison

• Times you felt forced to mature early or prove capability

• Messages received about strength, success, or failure

Meaning-Making Questions:

• What did I learn about earning respect or worth?

• How did I adapt to survive or succeed?

• What kind of authority or leadership do I want to embody now?

Early Social Belonging & Identity Formation

Friendships and Early Social Roles

Explore how your first experiences of inclusion and exclusion shaped your social identity.

Reflect on:

• Memories of rejection, invisibility, or being overlooked

• Attempts to fit in that didn’t succeed

• Roles adopted to gain acceptance (helper, achiever, clown, observer, loner)

• Moments of being tolerated rather than chosen

• Early fears of being unwanted or excluded

Meaning-Making Questions:

• What role felt safest to play?

• How does that role show up today?

• Who could I be if belonging didn’t have to be earned?

School, Peers, and Comparison

This is where identity often hardened through labels and performance.

Reflect on:

• Academic, athletic, or social comparisons that hurt

• Labels applied by teachers, peers, or family

• Moments of feeling “behind,” defective, or exposed

• Times you hid or overused parts of yourself

• Early definitions of success or failure

Meaning-Making Questions:

• What kind of person did I feel I had to be?

• What did I promise myself I would never be?

• How do these promises still influence my life?

Body, Nervous System, and Difference

Embodied Difference and Sensitivity

Examine how your physical, neurological, and emotional traits shaped identity, resilience, and coping.

Reflect on:

• Physical differences, injuries, or illnesses

• Emotional intensity, anxiety, or shutdown

• Sensory sensitivities or neurodivergence

• Adult responses—dismissal, overreaction, or neglect

• How your body influenced how you engaged with the world

Meaning-Making Questions:

• What story did I create about my body or nervous system?

• What strengths emerged from my adaptations?

• How could I work with my system instead of against it?

Intimacy and Attachment in Adulthood

Romantic and Sexual Development

Understand how early beliefs about worth and desire influenced intimacy.

Reflect on:

• Early crushes, rejections, or longings

• Shame, secrecy, or confusion around attraction

• Being desired for reasons other than who you are

• Moments intimacy felt unsafe or overwhelming

• Messages about sex, power, or connection

Meaning-Making Questions:

• What did desire teach me about my worth?

• How did I learn to protect myself in intimacy?

• What kind of intimacy do I want now?

Adult Relationship Patterns

Examine recurring relational dynamics.

Reflect on:

• Betrayals, abandonment, or emotional withdrawal

• Patterns of overgiving, controlling, or withdrawing

• Moments of feeling chosen versus tolerated

• Repeating conflicts or familiar pain

• Dynamics that echo early relationships

Meaning-Making Questions:

• What story keeps repeating?

• What am I still trying to resolve?

• What would it take to relate differently now?

Meaning, Identity, and Re-Authoring

Core Beliefs About Self

Identify beliefs that have guided your life.

Reflect on:

• Statements you live by (e.g., “I have to earn love,” “Rest is unsafe”)

• How these beliefs shaped choices and relationships

• When these beliefs first made sense

• Ways they protected you

• Ways they now limit you

Core Question:

• Which beliefs deserve to guide me forward—and which can I release?

Coping and Striving Patterns

Examine survival strategies that became identity.

Reflect on:

• Achievement, control, independence, service, detachment, humor, intensity

• Strategies that once protected you

• Where they now limit growth

• Which behaviors have become default rather than choice

• How they show up in relationships and self-care

Core Questions:

• What did these patterns protect me from?

• Which now constrain me?

• What could I practice instead?

Re-Authoring Your Story

For each major wound or adaptation, briefly note:

• What it protected you from

• What it cost you

• What you want to keep

• What you are ready to release

Core Question:

• How can I write the next chapter of my life with conscious choice and dignity?

Final Frame

This work is not about digging endlessly into pain. It is about reclaiming dignity, understanding your adaptations, and choosing how you move forward.

You adapted with intelligence and courage.
Now you get to author who you become next.

The Self–Us–Life Map: Understanding Where Relationships Actually Struggle

Most relationship advice tries to answer the wrong question. Instead of asking “Who’s the problem?” or “What skill are we missing?”, a better question is:

Where is the system under strain?

After years of working with individuals and couples, I’ve found that nearly every form of relationship distress shows up in one of three places: the self, the space between partners, or the life around the relationship. When these layers fall out of balance, attraction fades, intimacy thins, resentment grows, or the relationship begins to feel heavy rather than supportive.

This article introduces a simple but nuanced framework I use clinically: The Self–Us–Life Map.

The Three Layers of Every Relationship

1. The Self (Individual)

This layer answers the question: Who am I inside this relationship? It encompasses multiple domains of personal life, including:

• Physical: movement, sleep, rest, breathwork, diet, substance use

• Mental: focus, self-reflection, regulation (including embodied and relational awareness), habits

• Financial: stability, autonomy, security, housing, planning, financial self-efficacy

• Occupational: skills, developed competencies, and meaningful contribution in work, projects, or community engagement aka. achievements.

• Spiritual: connection to values, meaning of life, and personal sense of purpose outside themselves

• Social: connections, belonging, contribution, support, boundaries

Here, desire is not just sexual—it reflects aliveness, vitality, and the capacity to feel and be moved across all these domains. When this layer is healthy, partners bring curiosity, presence, and emotional range into the relationship. When it’s constrained, intimacy flattens and attraction fades.

Codependency and loss of self fit squarely here. Many people over-function or abandon their own needs to preserve connection, which drains vitality and blocks desire.

Common issues in the Self layer include:

• Loss of erotic or emotional vitality

• Disconnection from pleasure, play, or affection

• Chronic self-abandonment or over-functioning (codependency)

• Depletion or instability in physical, mental, financial, occupational, spiritual, or social domains

Key reflection:

“Am I staying alive in this relationship, or am I surviving through it?”

2. The Us (The Between)

This is the relational field created when two people meet.

It’s not about personalities; it’s about patterns of contact and communication. Under stress, couples develop predictable cycles of pursuit, withdrawal, escalation, accommodation, or shutdown. Codependency in one partner often reinforces these cycles: over-investment triggers withdrawal, which then triggers more over-functioning.

Communication problems rarely mean a lack of skill. More often, they reflect two nervous systems trying to protect connection in different ways.

Common issues here include:

• Repetitive conflict cycles with no repair

• Missed or misread emotional bids

• One partner pursuing clarity while the other seeks distance

• Conversations that feel transactional, defensive, or enmeshed

Key reflection:

“When we talk about hard things, do we feel heard and safer—or more alone?”

3. Life (The World)

This layer reflects what the relationship is carrying and moving toward.

Work, kids, money, family obligations, and future direction all place pressure on the bond. Many couples underestimate how much external strain reshapes intimacy and desire.

Common issues here include:

• Unequal responsibility or invisible labor

• Loss of shared direction or meaning

• Staying together out of obligation rather than choice

Key reflection:

“Is this fair, sustainable, and going somewhere?”

Why Desire and Intimacy Often Fade

Desire does not disappear randomly. It fades when aliveness, safety, or structure become constricted.

From a depth perspective, desire is an expression of our relational life-force—the part of us oriented toward connection, pleasure, and meaning. When this capacity is burdened by exhaustion, resentment, chronic self-suppression, codependency, or social isolation, attraction often goes quiet as a form of self-protection.

At the same time, communication patterns can either protect or erode this life-force. When conversations become purely functional, defensive, or transactional, emotional and erotic contact thins. The issue is not frequency of sex or quality of communication in isolation, but whether the relationship still supports felt connection and vitality.

When couples focus only on techniques—better communication, more dates, scheduled intimacy—they often miss the deeper issue: the layer under the most strain hasn’t been addressed yet.

Depression 101: Understanding and Working With It

Depression Isn’t a Weakness

Depression isn’t a moral failing, laziness, or a flaw in character. It’s a mood, a bigger pattern of nervous system shutdown signaling that something in life feels stuck, unsafe, or disconnected. That heavy chest, low energy, and sluggish motivation aren’t random—they’re your body saying, “Pay attention. Something needs to change.”

From a Polyvagal perspective, depressive moods arise when the nervous system settles into a sustained shutdown state. The social engagement system withdraws, motivation dips, and energy is conserved. This is protective: when life feels unpredictable or overwhelming, your system retreats to keep you safe—but the cost is feeling numb, disconnected, or stuck.

Childhood experiences and early parenting can shape these patterns. Repeated exposure to misattuned care, neglect, or relational inconsistency can sensitize the nervous system to withdraw or freeze under stress. Over time, these automatic shutdown responses can become your default mood pattern.

Most people react by withdrawing further or distracting themselves, which deepens the mood. The smarter approach is to notice, understand, and experiment with the right kinds of stimulation for your nervous system.

Here’s how to work with depressive moods:

1. Name it. Label what you’re feeling. Don’t just say, “I’m depressed.” Identify specific thoughts, losses, or frustrations. Naming the mood gives your mind and body clarity and starts to move you out of automatic shutdown.

2. Break it down. Depression feels like a mountain. Identify small, actionable steps—movement, connection, or meaningful activity—that signal safety and progress to your nervous system. Small wins matter.

3. Move and connect. Your nervous system is like Goldilocks’ porridge: too little stimulation, too much, or just right. Experiment to find what calms or energizes you. Walk, stretch, dance, reach out to safe people, or engage in creative work. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s “just right” for your current state. These are neural recalibration tools.

4. Use it as feedback. Depressive moods point to areas of life that are misaligned with your values, goals, or needs. Notice what’s missing, explore meaning, and take small steps toward purpose and connection.

Caveat: Attachment, Childhood, and Adlerian Insight
Depression is often tied to attachment patterns (anxious or avoidant) and early relational experiences. From an Adlerian perspective, depressive moods are signals pointing to unfulfilled life goals, maladaptive relational patterns, or internalized beliefs formed in childhood. Exploring these dynamics, increasing agency, and taking incremental steps toward meaningful goals helps shift the nervous system out of shutdown and restore energy, motivation, and purpose.

Bottom line: depressive moods are not weakness—they’re a signal from your nervous system and life history. Pay attention, experiment with movement and social connection until you find the “just right” stimulation, break down what matters, and take deliberate steps. Your mood is a compass—use it to recalibrate, reconnect, and reclaim your energy and purpose.

Anxiety 101: How to Use It to Your Advantage

Anxiety Isn’t the Enemy.

Let’s get one thing straight: anxiety isn’t a flaw, a chemical imbalance, or a sign that you’re weak. It’s your body and mind sending a very clear message: something in your life feels uncertain, risky, or unresolved. That racing heart, tight chest, or restless energy? That’s your nervous system kicking in, saying, “Pay attention. Something matters here.”

From a Polyvagal perspective, anxiety happens when your nervous system senses threat and shifts out of its safe, social state. Your body goes into high alert (fight/flight) or shuts down (freeze), even if there’s no immediate danger. These reactions are automatic and protective—they’re designed to keep you alive and alert—but they can feel overwhelming if you don’t understand what’s happening.

Most people react the wrong way: they ignore it, push it down, or scroll endlessly through distractions. That’s like ignoring a flashing check engine light on your car. It won’t go away, and it might get worse. The smarter move is to face it head-on.

Here’s how to work with it:

1. Name it. Get specific. Don’t just say “I’m anxious.” What exactly is making you feel off? Writing it down or speaking it aloud gives your nervous system a chance to shift from chaos toward clarity.

2. Break it down. Anxiety explodes when we look at the whole mountain instead of the steps. Take the big, scary unknown and divide it into pieces you can actually influence. One step at a time beats paralysis every single time.

3. Act on it. Movement is medicine. When your body senses you’re taking action, even small steps, your nervous system recalibrates toward safety. Avoidance only feeds anxiety. Action—deliberate, intentional action—is the antidote.

4. Use it. Shift your perspective: anxiety isn’t something to hate; it’s a signal from your nervous system guiding you. When you pay attention, adjust, and move, it becomes a tool for clarity, preparation, and growth.

Caveat: Anxious Attachment and the Deeper Patterns
For many, anxiety isn’t just about situational stress—it’s tied to relational patterns, especially anxious attachment. People with this attachment style experience heightened vigilance and fear of rejection in close relationships, which can amplify everyday anxiety signals. This is where an Adlerian lens becomes essential: anxiety isn’t a personal flaw—it’s a signal pointing to beliefs, patterns, and goals that need adjustment. By exploring early experiences, relational scripts, and life goals, you can shift these patterns, develop a stronger sense of agency, and reduce the intensity of automatic anxious reactions.

Bottom line: anxiety is not your enemy—it’s a compass. It’s your nervous system saying, “Something matters. Pay attention, adjust, act.” By understanding your nervous system, your attachment patterns, and your life goals, you can use anxiety as a tool to live more deliberately, fully, and powerfully.

A Practical Holiday Guide for Hard Family Conversations

Holidays tend to magnify old family patterns. People who want connection end up feeling tense, reactive, or shut down—not because they don’t care, but because they care a lot and don’t know how to protect the relationship and themselves at the same time. This guide is designed to help you do both.

The Core Dynamic (Why This Is So Hard)

Most family conflict during the holidays falls into one of two roles:

1. The Controller
Often anxious, vigilant, and emotionally invested. Tries to manage outcomes through advice, pressure, guilt, reminders, or emotional intensity. Usually wants closeness and stability but expresses it in ways that feel invasive or critical to others.

2. The Avoider
Often internally frustrated or resentful. Has tried to speak up before and felt dismissed, overwhelmed, or punished. Protects themselves by disengaging, going quiet, changing the subject, or limiting contact. Also wants connection—but without conflict.

Neither role is “the bad one.” Both are protective strategies shaped by history. The problem is the loop they create together.

The Goal (What We’re Actually Aiming For)

Not control. Not withdrawal.
The real goal is peace and connection.

That means:

• Naming limits clearly

• Following through calmly

• Expressing positive intent for the relationship

• Stepping out of passive-aggressive or reactive cycles

Boundaries are not punishments. They’re information about what makes connection sustainable.

The Boundary Formula (Simple and Effective)

A healthy holiday boundary has three parts:

1. The Limit – What you will or won’t engage in

2. The Consequence – What you will do if the pattern continues

3. The Intent – Why this matters to you and the relationship

Example Structure:

“When ___ happens, I’m going to ___. I’m saying this because I want ___ between us.”

This keeps the focus on your behavior, not changing theirs.

Examples You Can Adapt

If You Tend to Avoid

“I want to spend time together, but when the conversation turns critical or pressuring, I shut down. If that happens, I’m going to step away or change the subject. I’m saying this because I want our time to feel calmer and more connected.”

If You Tend to Control

“I know I can get intense when I’m worried or want things to go well. I’m working on backing off. If I notice myself pushing, I’m going to pause instead of continuing. I really want us to enjoy each other without tension.”

Around Repeated Topics (politics, health, parenting, life choices)

“I’m not willing to discuss that topic during the holidays. If it comes up, I’ll redirect or take a break. I want our time together to feel warm, not stressful.”

What Makes Boundaries Work (and Fail)

They fail when:

• They’re delivered with blame, sarcasm, or emotional charge

• They rely on the other person changing

• They’re explained repeatedly instead of enforced

They work when:

• They’re stated once, calmly

• The consequence is followed through without drama

• The tone signals steadiness, not threat

Consistency matters more than intensity.

Expect Pushback (This Is Normal)

When you change your role in the family system, the system reacts.

You may hear:

• “You’re being too sensitive.”

• “I’m just trying to help.”

• “This is how we’ve always talked.”

Pushback doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means the pattern is being disrupted.

Stay grounded. Repeat the boundary. Follow through.

Regulating Yourself in the Moment

Before responding, check:

• Am I trying to win or protect connection?

• Is my body activated right now?

Helpful tools:

• Slow your breathing before speaking

• Lower your voice

• Shorten your sentences

• Take a physical break if needed

A regulated nervous system is the most persuasive boundary you have.

After the Holiday: Repair and Integration

If things went poorly, repair matters.

Repair can sound like:

“I didn’t handle that the way I wanted to. I care about us and want to keep working toward better conversations.”

Growth isn’t measured by perfect holidays—it’s measured by less reactivity and faster repair.

Final Reminder

You’re not trying to change your family.
You’re changing how you show up so connection doesn’t require self-abandonment.

That alone shifts the system.

Understanding Yourself Through the Big Five Personality Traits

When it comes to understanding human behavior, the Big Five personality traits are one of the most widely accepted models in modern psychology for describing the major dimensions of personality. Unlike rigid “types,” the Big Five describes broad tendencies that exist on a continuum, meaning everyone has some of each trait in varying degrees. These traits help explain patterns in how you think, feel, and behave—and they’re useful for understanding yourself in relationships, career choices, and everyday life.

To explore your own Big Five personality profile, you can take a free assessment at: https://bigfive-test.com/.

Once you have your results, you can reflect on them independently, process them with a coach, or even share them with a partner to deepen mutual understanding. A simple way to remember them is the acronym OCEAN:

• O – Openness to Experience

• C – Conscientiousness

• E – Extraversion

• A – Agreeableness

• N – Neuroticism

Unlike labels or pop-psychology types, the Big Five describe broad dimensions of personality that everyone has to varying degrees. Knowing where you fall on each trait can help you understand your behaviors, identify interests, and navigate relationships—all without pathologizing or judging yourself.

1. Openness

Openness reflects how much you seek out new experiences, ideas, and ways of thinking. People who score higher in openness tend to enjoy creativity, abstract thought, and novelty. Those who score lower often find comfort in routine, tradition, and concrete facts. This trait influences how you approach the world—whether you’re energized by discovery or grounded in the familiar. Simply Psychology

Subtraits:

• Imagination – How vivid and creative your inner world tends to be.

• Aesthetic – Your appreciation for beauty, art, and sensory experiences.

• Emotionality – Awareness of your own emotions and emotional depth.

• Adventure – Desire for variety, change, and exploration.

• Intellect – Interest in ideas, learning, and intellectual challenge.

• Liberalism – Openness to new values, unconventional perspectives, and change.

Understanding openness can help clarify whether you’re drawn to explorative work and experiences or whether you thrive in environments with clear structure and predictable rhythms.

2. Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness measures how organized, dependable, and disciplined you tend to be. Individuals high in conscientiousness generally set goals, plan ahead, and follow through. Those lower in this trait may prefer flexibility, spontaneity, or adapting as situations unfold. This dimension is strongly linked with work performance and reliability. Cleveland Clinic

Subtraits:

• Competence – Confidence in your ability to get things done.

• Order – Preference for neatness, schedules, and structure.

• Dutifulness – Commitment to responsibilities and ethical standards.

• Achievement – Motivation to excel and accomplish long‑term goals.

• Self‑Discipline – Ability to stay focused and finish tasks.

• Cautiousness – Deliberate decision‑making and thoughtful risk assessment.

Understanding your conscientiousness helps explain why you might thrive in organized, goal‑oriented roles—or prefer environments that allow for rapid adaptation and creative freedom.

3. Extraversion

Extraversion describes how much you gain energy from the outer world of people, activity, and external stimulation. People higher in extraversion enjoy social connection, lively interactions, and enthusiasm in their environments. Those lower in extraversion (sometimes called introverts) may find meaning in deeper one‑on‑one interactions, quiet reflection, or solitary work.

Subtraits:

• Friendliness – Warmth and ease in forming social bonds.

• Gregariousness – Enjoyment of social gatherings and group environments.

• Assertiveness – Comfort with expressing opinions and leading interactions.

• Activity – Overall pace, energy level, and engagement with life.

• Excitement – Desire for stimulation, thrill, and novelty.

• Cheerfulness – Tendency toward positive emotion and enthusiasm.

Your extraversion profile can inform how you balance interaction with rest, structure social commitments, and choose environments that match your energy levels.

4. Agreeableness

Agreeableness reflects how much you prioritize harmony, compassion, and cooperation in relationships. High agreeableness often means empathy and collaboration come easily; lower agreeableness can involve candid directness, analytical independence, or a focus on optimization over harmony. Both ends are valid ways of engaging with others—it’s about understanding your relational preferences. bigfive.ly

Subtraits:

• Trust – Belief in others’ good intentions.

• Morality – Straightforwardness and honesty in interactions.

• Altruism – Willingness to help and support others.

• Cooperation – Preference for teamwork and problem‑solving.

• Modesty – Comfort with humility and low self‑focus.

• Sympathy – Emotional care and attunement toward others.

Agreeableness insights can be especially helpful in navigating friendships, partnerships, and workplace collaboration with clarity and empathy.

5. Neuroticism

Neuroticism measures emotional sensitivity and reactivity. Higher scores indicate a stronger tendency to experience stress, worry, or negative emotions. Lower scores reflect emotional steadiness and resilience. Neither pole is inherently “better”—they index how you typically respond to stress and emotional stimuli, which can inform coping strategies. The Berkeley Well-Being Institute

Subtraits & What They Mean:

• Anxiety – Likelihood of feeling nervous or tense.

• Anger – Propensity toward irritation or frustration under stress.

• Depression – Tendency to feel down, sad, or discouraged.

• Self‑Consciousness – Sensitivity to others’ perceptions and social evaluation.

• Immoderation – Difficulty resisting impulses or temptations.

• Vulnerability – Susceptibility to stress and feeling overwhelmed.

Understanding neuroticism helps you recognize emotional patterns and build resilience skills that fit your natural style.

How the Big Five Helps You (Without Pathologizing)

The Big Five isn’t about labeling who you are as fixed or “good/bad”—it’s an evidence‑based map of tendencies that helps you understand:

• Your interests: Which environments, work, and hobbies resonate with your natural inclinations.

• Your behaviors: Patterns in how you respond to stress, plan tasks, or engage socially.

• Your relationships: How differences in personality show up in communication, conflict, and collaboration.

After taking the test at https://bigfive-test.com/, you can reflect on your results personally—breaking down both broad traits and subtraits—or bring them into a session to explore how they show up in your life, work, and relationships.

A Final Note

Personality is nuanced and shaped by both biology and experience, but it’s not destiny. Your Big Five profile describes tendencies, not absolutes, and can evolve as you grow, learn, and intentionally shape your behavior. Using this framework can increase self‑awareness, reduce misunderstandings, and support more mindful choices in life and relationships.

Finding Purpose in Your Career: How It Evolves Across Your Life

We often think of career purpose as a single “aha” moment—like suddenly discovering the one job or path that will make life meaningful. The truth is, purpose isn’t a moment; it’s a journey. It develops over years, shaped by who you are, what energizes you, and how you want to impact the world. Understanding how purpose evolves from your teens to late adulthood can help you navigate your career and life with more clarity, confidence, and fulfillment.

The Teenage Years: Exploration and Curiosity

Your sense of purpose often begins with curiosity, not clarity. As a teen or young adult, you may feel pulled in many directions: sports, arts, volunteering, school clubs, part-time jobs, or hobbies. Each of these experiences gives you valuable feedback about what energizes you and what drains you.

Ask yourself:

• When do I feel most alive or engaged?

• Which activities make me lose track of time?

• Where do I naturally contribute or lead, even without recognition?

These early years are about gathering data about yourself. Don’t stress about “the perfect career.” Every experience, even the ones that feel like failures, teaches you something about your strengths, preferences, and values. Mentors—teachers, coaches, family members—can help you see patterns in your strengths and inclinations that you might not notice yourself.

Early Career: Aligning Skills and Values (Mid-20s to Early 30s)

Once you step into the workforce, purpose starts taking on direction. Now it’s not just about experimenting; it’s about aligning your skills, interests, and values with your work.

Consider:

• What tasks or roles make me feel competent and energized?

• Who benefits from the work I do, and how does that feel?

• Which projects or opportunities align with my personal values?

This stage is about learning to focus your energy. Early career decisions often feel high-stakes, but purpose here is directional rather than perfect. You’re building skills, exploring different environments, and figuring out where you make the most meaningful impact. Small experiments—a side project, mentorship, volunteering—can reveal a lot about your natural contributions and help you refine your direction.

Mid-Life: Consolidation and Leadership (Mid-30s to 50s)

By mid-life, purpose usually deepens into identity and legacy. You know your strengths, you’ve tested what energizes you, and now it’s time to focus your energy on what matters most.

Key elements of purpose at this stage:

• Purposeful impact: Leading, mentoring, or shaping systems to help others grow

• Integration: Aligning your values, skills, and life priorities into coherent action

• Reflection and recalibration: Assessing past choices, learning from mistakes, and adjusting your path

• Boundary mastery: Saying “no” to what doesn’t fit your purpose and “yes” to high-leverage opportunities

Mid-life is often when people feel tension between stability and growth. Purpose here is about balance: pursuing meaningful work while also contributing to others, whether that’s through your team, your community, or your industry. It’s also a time when leadership and mentorship roles naturally emerge, giving you new ways to channel your purpose.

Late Life: Reflection, Mentorship, and Legacy (50s+)

In later adulthood, purpose often becomes transcendent. Work and personal ambition take a back seat to wisdom, mentorship, and leaving a lasting impact.

Questions to consider:

• Who or what do I want to influence in my remaining years?

• What lessons and knowledge can I pass on?

• How can I focus my energy on what truly matters, rather than what is urgent?

Purpose in late life is about reflection and legacy. It’s about making sure the life you’ve lived leaves a mark, whether through mentoring the next generation, contributing to your community, or simply deepening relationships that matter most.

A Lifelong Framework for Developing Purpose

Across all stages, purpose grows through three interconnected pillars:

1. Self-Awareness: Understanding what energizes you, your strengths, and your core values

2. Impact: Recognizing how your actions affect others and the world

3. Actionable Alignment: Turning insights into choices, projects, and behaviors that reflect your purpose

Even small steps matter: volunteer for a project that excites you, take on a mentoring role, experiment with a side hustle, or reflect regularly on what energizes and fulfills you. Purpose isn’t found in a single career move; it’s cultivated over decades through reflection, experimentation, and intentional action.

Takeaway

Purpose is a journey, not a destination. By understanding how it evolves from adolescence through late adulthood, you can make more intentional choices in your career and life. Tracking your energy, values, and impact over time allows you to align your actions with the person you are becoming—and to create work and a life that truly feels meaningful.

Creativity as a Compass: A Holistic Approach to Reclaiming Your Creative Life

Creativity is often misunderstood as a talent reserved for artists or an elusive “muse.” From an Adlerian perspective, creativity is an expression of striving toward purpose and contributing to the world; it’s how we individuate and assert our unique value. Jungians add that creative expression is a dialogue with the unconscious, bringing archetypes, shadow material, and unspoken parts of the self into conscious form. Viewed holistically, creativity is less about output and more about alignment with your whole self—psychologically, emotionally, socially, and energetically.

Energy and Emotional Attunement

At its core, creativity demands energy, and emotional attunement is a key part of sustaining it. Artists often feel blocked when overwhelmed, anxious, or disconnected from their emotions. Emotional awareness allows you to notice when energy is high and creative work will flow, or when it’s low and replenishment is needed. Regulation practices—breathwork, micro-breaks, or movement—help maintain productive energy without demanding a “perfect” headspace. By cultivating attunement and self-compassion, artists can navigate emotional ups and downs without harsh self-judgment, preserving resilience for sustained creative engagement.

Common Blocks: Boundaries and Assertiveness

A major drain on creativity comes from overcommitment and difficulty saying no. Boundaries protect both emotional and physical energy. Assertiveness isn’t confrontation—it’s creating space to work in conditions that support inspiration and focus. Evaluating commitments through energy, purpose, and personal value allows creative individuals to safeguard time for meaningful work.

Social Learning and Creative Inspiration

Creativity is relational as well as personal. Mentors, peers, and exposure to other artists provide inspiration, guidance, and accountability. Observing what has worked in your own past or in the routines of successful artists offers practical insight into sustaining a creative practice. Social connection fuels creativity by providing perspective, challenge, and encouragement.

Self-Knowing, Purpose, and Contribution

True creative expression grows from self-knowledge. Understanding your values, non-negotiables, and unique perspective allows your work to feel meaningful rather than performative. Creativity reflects both your internal world and your contribution to others. Adlerian theory reminds us that purpose is rooted in contribution: what you create expresses the gifts only you can bring.

Holistic Practices to Support Creativity

Supporting creativity requires attention to mind, body, emotions, environment, and social context. Practices include:

• Micro-projects: Low-stakes creative work that rebuilds flow and confidence.

• Movement and breathwork: Restores energy and emotional balance.

• Reflection and journaling: Integrates emotional insights and tracks creative priorities.

• Boundaries around time and energy: Saying no to protect creative space.

• Social engagement: Mentors, peers, performances, and exposure to other artists for inspiration and learning.

• Emotional attunement: Checking in with your mood and energy, practicing self-compassion when creativity ebbs, and regulating emotions to navigate ups and downs without self-judgment.

Creativity is not a talent to be mined; it is a practice to be cultivated. When approached holistically—through energy management, emotional attunement, boundaries, social learning, self-knowledge, and integrative practices—it becomes a mirror of who you are and a tool for contributing to the world in ways only you can.

Unpopular Opinion: Not Everyone Needs Therapy to Heal Their Past — But Everyone Needs Honest Self-Work

Here’s a truth most people don’t want to hear:
You can heal a lot of your past without being in therapy.
And here’s the second truth:
A good therapist can be incredibly helpful — but not all therapy is created equal.

I’ve seen both sides over the years.

Some therapists help people unpack the past with intention, timing, and a clear aim.
Others keep clients circling the same childhood stories for years with no structure, no stability, and no real integration.

Talking about the past isn’t automatically healing.
Sometimes it’s just storytelling.

The past is only useful to explore in two conditions:

1. You’re stuck, looping the same reactions, and immediate self-reflection is needed to break the pattern.

2. You’ve reached enough stability in your life to actually metabolize the past instead of being overwhelmed by it.

I always caution clients:
Do not dive into deep past work if you don’t have basic stability.
You need foundation before excavation.

That means:

• A job or some form of structured routine

• Housing that feels safe enough

• A basic workout or movement rhythm

• A few decent social supports

• The sense that your life isn’t hanging by a thread

Without these, past work becomes retraumatizing rather than liberating.
With them, it becomes transformational.

That’s where Past Narrative work shines.
It’s structured. Honest. Forward-moving.
You don’t need a guru; you need courage and clarity.

Here are the five questions I give men who want to stop repeating their past and finally take authorship of their story — with real examples of what this actually looks like.

1. What are the key events from your past that still feel unresolved or unfinished?

Think of moments that still sting, confuse you, or shape your reactions.

Examples:

• Your dad walked out when you were 10, no explanation.

• You were the emotional glue in your family, the kid who held everything together.

• Your first real relationship ended abruptly, zero closure.

• You were constantly compared to a sibling and internalized “not enough.”

These moments are the open tabs still draining your emotional battery.

2. What patterns or themes keep showing up across those events?

This is where the story becomes a system.

Examples:

• Dad leaving → fear of people disappearing

• Being the peacekeeper → over-responsibility

• Relationship betrayal → avoidance or anxiety

• Comparison culture → chronic proving and perfectionism

Patterns turn isolated events into lifelong operating systems.

3. How did those events shape the way you respond in relationships today?

This is self-honesty time.

Examples:

• Abandonment → hyper-independence (“I don’t need anyone.”)

• Peacekeeper → conflict avoidance and emotional suppression

• Betrayal → testing people, withdrawal, or clinginess

• Comparison → workaholism or tolerating crumbs as if you have to earn connection

Your present behavior is an old strategy that overstayed its welcome.

4. What responsibility can you take for how those patterns continue?

Not blame. Responsibility.

Examples:

• You didn’t choose abandonment — but you do choose disappearing when things get real.

• You didn’t choose being the peacekeeper — but you do choose silence instead of boundaries.

• You didn’t choose betrayal — but you do choose emotional distance as your default.

• You didn’t choose comparison — but you do choose burnout as a lifestyle.

Responsibility is how you take the steering wheel back.

5. If you rewrote that past pattern into something healthier, what would the new version look like?

This is author work — not character work.

Examples:

• Abandonment rewrite:
  “I don’t run. I communicate when I’m triggered.”

• Peacekeeper rewrite:
  “I don’t absorb other people’s emotions. I state my needs plainly.”

• Betrayal rewrite:
  “I choose consistent partners and match energy, not fantasy.”

• Comparison rewrite:
  “I rest without guilt. My worth doesn’t need proving.”

Healing isn’t deleting the past. It’s upgrading the script.

Final Thought

Not everyone needs therapy.
But everyone needs responsibility, honesty, and the courage to face themselves without flinching.

And here’s the paradox:
People who do this kind of Past Narrative work often walk into therapy later with clarity, power, and direction — instead of using therapy as a place to hide.

These five questions can take you far.
No therapist required.
But a stable foundation and a willingness to meet your real self?
Non-negotiable.

Anxious & Avoidant Attachment: The Intimacy Paradox

Both anxious and avoidant people deeply crave intimacy.
They just fear it for different reasons and cope in opposite directions.

Anxious Attachment — “I want closeness, but I’m terrified you’ll leave.”

Anxious individuals experience intimacy like this push-pull:

• Longing: They want to be chosen, prioritized, and emotionally close.

• Hyper-awareness: They scan for cues of withdrawal, rejection, or distance.

• Internal narrative: “If I don’t hold on tight, I’ll lose you.”

• Physiological activation: Their nervous system ramps up when someone they care about pulls away even a little.

What they crave:

• consistent reassurance

• emotional presence

• responsiveness

• feeling like a priority

• deep mutual care

What they fear:

• abandonment

• emotional distance

• sudden shifts in tone

• losing access to their partner’s attention

For them, intimacy feels like oxygen—necessary, but always almost running out.

Avoidant Attachment — “I want closeness, but I’m terrified I’ll disappear.”

Avoidants aren’t intimacy-phobic.
They’re overwhelmed by it.

They want connection—but not if it feels engulfing, obligatory, or identity-swallowing.

• Longing: They want warmth, sex, companionship, and shared meaning.

• Overactivation: Too much closeness triggers a sense of losing independence or selfhood.

• Internal narrative: “If I get too close, I’ll be trapped or absorbed.”

• Physiology: Their nervous system cools down or shuts down when emotional pressure rises.

What they crave:

• connection without demand

• being accepted as they are

• safe physical closeness

• a partner who doesn’t try to manage their inner world

• companionship with freedom

What they fear:

• engulfment

• expectations that feel heavy

• losing autonomy

• emotional dependency

• disappointing someone who needs too much

For them, intimacy feels like a warm fire they want to sit near—but not step into.

Why They’re Drawn to Each Other

Both crave intimacy, but their fears activate each other’s fears:

• anxious leans in → avoidant feels pressure

• avoidant backs up → anxious feels abandoned

• anxious pursues more → avoidant withdraws more

This creates the infamous “chase and retreat” dynamic.

But underneath the pattern?

Both want the same thing:
A love that feels safe enough to stay.

The Inner Truth of Each Style

Anxious:

“I want to be loved without feeling like I have to earn it.”

Avoidant:

“I want to be loved without feeling like I’ll lose myself in it.”

Both are valid.
Both are human.
Both are rooted in nervous-system adaptations from childhood that made sense at the time.

How Healing Happens

Each style heals through learning the opposite skill:

Anxious individuals heal by:

• slowing down before reacting

• building self-soothing skills

• trusting their worth without constant reassurance

• choosing partners who consistently show up

Avoidant individuals heal by:

• tolerating discomfort of emotional closeness

• naming needs instead of withdrawing

• learning that connection doesn’t equal loss of self

• choosing partners who respect their autonomy

When both integrate, intimacy stops feeling like threat and becomes spacious and mutual.

Fear Setting: How to Be Courageous

Tim Ferriss created the “fear-setting” exercise by adapting the ancient Stoic practice of premeditatio malorum—literally, the premeditation of evils. It’s a tool to help you define, prevent, and repair potential negative outcomes so fear doesn’t paralyze you and you can make decisions more confidently. If you’re hesitating on a big move or putting something off because the unknown feels scary, this exercise is your antidote. Grab a pen, brain dump your answers, and don’t edit yourself. Thinking endlessly won’t get you anywhere—write fast, write messy, and aim for volume. Spend a few minutes on each question, and watch clarity and courage emerge on the page.

1. Define Your Nightmare

• What are you putting off out of fear?

• What is the absolute worst that could happen if you did what you’re considering?

• What doubts, fears, and “what-ifs” pop up as you consider the big changes you can—or need—to make?

• Envision them in painstaking detail. Would it be the end of your life?

• What would the permanent impact be, if any, on a scale of 1–10?

• Are these things really permanent? How likely is it that they would actually happen?

2. Repair / Respond

• What steps could you take to repair the damage or get things back on track, even temporarily?

• How could you regain control? Chances are, it’s easier than you imagine.

3. Outcomes or Benefits

• Whether temporary, permanent, internal, or external—what might be the benefits of attempting or partially succeeding?

4. Cost of Inaction

• What is it costing you—financially, emotionally, physically—to postpone action?

• Measure the cost of inaction in real terms. How will you feel allowing circumstances to impose themselves, and having allowed 6 months, 12 months, or 3 years of your finite life to pass doing something unfulfilling?

Time Horizons:

• 6 Months:

• 12 Months:

• 3 Years:

5. What Are You Waiting For?

• Is it better to delay by weeks or months to be “fully prepared”?

• Or is it better to start right now with little to no preparation?

• If you cannot answer this without appealing to the idea of “good timing,” the answer is simple: you’re afraid—just like the rest of the world.

• Measure the cost of inaction, realize the unlikelihood and repairability of most missteps, and develop the most important habit of those who excel and enjoy life: action.

Burnout Recovery Is Performance Recovery

Rest isn’t weak. It’s strategic.

If you’re feeling tapped out, worn down, or stuck in survival mode—you’re not alone. Burnout isn’t a failure. It’s a signal. It’s your body and mind telling you that your system needs recalibration, not more pushing. High performers understand this: they don’t wait for collapse—they plan recovery.

Athletes Don’t Just Train—They Recover

Take LeBron James. Reports suggest he spends over $1.5 million a year on recovery—sleep, massage, cryotherapy, personal chefs, recovery coaches. He’s not just coasting on talent. He prioritizes rest because performance depends on it.

Or consider East African long-distance runners, some of the most dominant endurance athletes in the world. Many nap 2–3 times a day, building their training schedules around rest. Why? Because bodies—and minds—cannot adapt, grow, or perform without downtime.

These elite performers know what most of us forget: growth happens during recovery, not during the grind.

Rest Feels Hard When You’ve Ignored the Signals

If slowing down feels impossible, you’re not broken—you’re conditioned. When your need for rest has been ignored for months or years, your nervous system can get stuck in “on” mode. Rest might feel unsafe, unfamiliar, or even guilt-inducing.

You might notice:

• Restlessness or anxiety when you stop moving

• Feeling like you have to “earn” rest through productivity

• Emotional flooding the moment you finally pause

This is your body protecting you the only way it knows how: by staying in motion. But what helped you survive won’t help you heal. You can relearn how to rest—bit by bit.

Recovery Isn’t Optional—It’s Foundational

If you’re trying to work, parent, create, or lead while burnt out, think like an athlete:

• Sleep is sacred. 7–9 hours minimum, plus naps if you’re depleted.

• Rest days are non-negotiable. Your nervous system needs time to regulate.

• Nutrition, hydration, and movement are part of healing, not bonuses.

• Mental rest matters. Boundaries, unplugging, saying “no,” and unlearning hustle-guilt are critical.

What Recovery Might Look Like For You

• Blocking off a full weekend to be unproductive—on purpose

• Taking 20-minute naps, even if it feels “lazy”

• Eating real food at regular intervals

• Walking without your phone

• Saying no to just one more obligation

• Asking for help

You don’t push through burnout. You recover from it.

One line to remember: You can’t outwork your nervous system.

Navigating the Liminal Space: How to Thrive in Life’s In-Between Moments

Life isn’t always about clarity and certainty. Sometimes we find ourselves in the “in-between”—those moments where what once felt solid is dissolving, and what’s next hasn’t fully emerged. This is what we call the liminal space. It can feel uncomfortable, disorienting, or even scary—but it’s also where real growth happens.

If you’re navigating a career change, relationship shift, personal transformation, or just feeling stuck, leaning into the liminal space can unlock self-discovery, creativity, and resilience. Here’s a guide to help you explore it consciously.

1. Name the Transition

The first step is awareness. Ask yourself:

• “What old habits, roles, or beliefs am I leaving behind?”

• “Which parts of my identity feel uncertain or undefined right now?”

Journaling for 10–15 minutes can help. Write down what’s ending, what feels like it’s emerging, and the emotions you’re carrying—fear, excitement, confusion. Naming the transition takes away some of its power to overwhelm you.

2. Be Present

Liminality lives in the present, not in a future outcome. You don’t need to have all the answers yet. Ground yourself with practices like:

• Breathwork

• Mindful walks

• Body scans or short meditations

Even five minutes a day of intentional presence helps you feel steady amid uncertainty.

3. Reflect and Explore

Ask open-ended questions to uncover insight:

• “What do I truly want to carry forward?”

• “What fears are showing up, and what are they teaching me?”

• “What new possibilities can I imagine for myself?”

Creative expression is a powerful tool here—try writing, drawing, movement, or even music. The goal is to experiment, not perfect.

4. Use Rituals and Symbols

Rituals help your mind and body mark the transition. Simple acts—like writing a letter to your old self, lighting a candle, or carrying a symbolic object—give structure and meaning to what might otherwise feel chaotic.

Pick one symbolic act each week that honors either what you’re leaving behind or what’s emerging.

5. Take Intentional Action

Liminality isn’t about waiting passively. Small, conscious steps anchor your insights in real life. Ask yourself:

• “What tiny step can I take today to honor this transition?”

• “How can I bring a new value or insight into my life this week?”

Share patterns, reflections, and fears with a coach, mentor, or therapist. Processing with another person strengthens your clarity and confidence.

Final Thoughts

Being in a liminal space is uncomfortable—but discomfort is often the precursor to transformation. Leaning into this period with curiosity, reflection, and small actionable steps can turn uncertainty into an opportunity for growth, self-knowledge, and authentic change.

Remember: life’s most meaningful shifts rarely happen in the comfortable, predictable spaces. Sometimes you have to step into the in-between to discover who you really are.

From Codependency to Interdependency: Understanding the Pattern and the Path Forward

Codependency is a relational pattern where a person’s sense of safety, worth, or identity becomes overly tied to another person’s needs, moods, or approval. It is not simply being caring, loyal, or supportive.

The defining feature is self-abandonment in the name of connection—consistently prioritizing others while minimizing or ignoring one’s own needs, limits, and inner signals.

People in codependent patterns often experience closeness as fragile and conditional, leading them to over-function, over-give, or over-accommodate to preserve connection.

Core Signs of Codependency

Common indicators include:

• Chronic people-pleasing and approval-seeking

• Difficulty setting, maintaining, or enforcing boundaries

• Taking responsibility for others’ emotions, choices, or outcomes

• Fear of abandonment or rejection driving behavior

• Conflict avoidance, even at personal cost

• Over-functioning in relationships (doing more than your share)

• Suppressing needs, feelings, or preferences

• Resentment that builds but is rarely expressed directly

• Feeling valuable primarily when needed or useful

• Attempts to control situations or people to feel safe

How Codependency Develops

Codependency is learned. It forms as an adaptive strategy in environments where emotional safety was inconsistent or unavailable.

Childhood Roots

Many people who struggle with codependency grew up in families marked by:

• Emotional unpredictability (caregivers who were volatile, depressed, addicted, or overwhelmed)

• Conditional love (approval tied to behavior, achievement, or compliance)

• Parentification (being placed in a caregiving or mediator role too early)

• Emotional neglect (needs minimized, dismissed, or unseen)

In these systems, children learn that staying connected requires vigilance, self-suppression, or caretaking. Attunement to others becomes a survival skill, while attunement to self remains underdeveloped.

Why the Pattern Persists Into Adulthood

As adults, codependent patterns continue because they once worked. Over-functioning reduces anxiety. Anticipating others’ needs creates a sense of control. Being needed provides identity and belonging. Unfortunately, these strategies also recreate imbalance, burnout, and relational resentment.

The nervous system often confuses intensity with intimacy, or sacrifice with love. Without conscious repair, familiar dynamics are unconsciously re-enacted.

The Role of Friendships in Reinforcing or Healing Codependency

Friendships play a powerful role in either reinforcing or interrupting codependent patterns.

Unhealthy friendships may normalize boundary violations, emotional dumping, one-sided caretaking, or chronic crisis bonding. These dynamics quietly reinforce the belief that connection requires self-erasure.

Healthy friendships, by contrast, model reciprocity, repair, and mutual respect. They allow space for difference, autonomy, and honest limits. Maintaining friendships with healthy boundaries is particularly important because they create space for time alone and for nurturing other relationships, preventing over-reliance on any single connection. Friendships that tolerate disappointment without withdrawal help retrain the nervous system to experience connection as stable rather than precarious.

Intentional peer relationships are often essential for healing, especially when family-of-origin dynamics remain unchanged.

Common Comorbid Patterns

Codependency frequently co-occurs with other challenges, not because of weakness, but because they share underlying mechanisms.

Common comorbidities include:

• Substance use or behavioral addictions

• Anxiety and depressive symptoms

• Trauma-related patterns or chronic hypervigilance

• Disordered eating or compulsive exercise

• Workaholism or chronic overachievement

These patterns often serve as attempts to manage unmet needs, emotional overwhelm, or a fractured sense of self.

The Cost of Staying Codependent

Over time, codependency erodes authenticity. Individuals may lose touch with their preferences, desires, and limits. Relationships become imbalanced, marked by resentment, burnout, or quiet despair. Ironically, the attempt to preserve connection often leads to emotional distance or relational collapse.

Moving Toward Interdependency

Healing from codependency does not mean becoming detached, hyper-independent, or emotionally closed. The goal is interdependency.

Signs of Interdependency

Interdependent functioning is marked by:

• Clear awareness of one’s own needs, feelings, and limits

• Ability to set boundaries without excessive guilt

• Mutual responsibility rather than over-responsibility

• Comfort giving and receiving support

• Direct communication of needs and expectations

• Capacity to tolerate conflict and repair relationships

• Sense of identity that exists beyond relationships

• Choice-driven caretaking rather than compulsion

• Emotional regulation without relying on control or rescue

• Trust that connection can survive honesty and limits

What Interdependency Is

Interdependency is the capacity to be connected without self-abandonment. It involves mutual reliance, choice rather than compulsion, and the ability to both give and receive without losing oneself.

In interdependent relationships:

• Needs are expressed directly

• Boundaries are clear and flexible

• Responsibility is shared, not assumed

• Autonomy and connection coexist

How to Begin the Shift: Specific Tasks

Practical steps toward interdependency include:

1. Track your giving and needs: Keep a daily journal noting when you say yes, say no, and what you truly want versus what you feel obligated to do.

2. Practice saying “no” in low-stakes situations: Start small—decline a request or favor without overexplaining.

3. Set micro-boundaries: Examples include deciding how much time you spend on calls, text responses, or household tasks.

4. Check your motives: Before helping, ask yourself: Am I doing this out of choice or fear of disapproval?

5. Build a support system: Cultivate friends who respect boundaries and model reciprocity.

6. Schedule self-care: Treat your needs as non-negotiable—exercise, rest, hobbies, or therapy time.

7. Name your feelings: Identify and express emotions without filtering them for others’ comfort.

8. Pause before rescuing: When someone asks for help, take a moment to evaluate if they can handle it themselves.

These tasks make interdependency tangible, training your nervous system and relational habits to experience connection without self-erasure.

A Reframe Worth Holding

Codependency is not a character flaw—it is a protective adaptation that outlived its usefulness. With support, reflection, and relational repair, it can give way to a more grounded, reciprocal way of connecting.

Interdependency is not about needing less—it is about needing well, without losing yourself in the process.

From Naïveté to Cynicism to Wisdom: Seeing Life’s Hardest Moments as a Hero’s Journey

Life has a way of hitting us harder than we expect. Loss, betrayal, illness, or other shocks can leave us reeling, questioning everything we once believed about the world or ourselves. At first, we may feel naïve, trusting in life’s fairness. Then, as the hard truths of reality arrive, cynicism or despair often follows. Yet these stages, painful as they are, are not the end—they are part of a transformative arc that can lead to wisdom, resilience, and depth. Viewed through the lens of the Hero’s Journey, our darkest experiences can be the crucible in which courage and insight are forged.

Naïveté: The Comfortable Unconscious
In early life or untested periods, we often operate under an unexamined optimism. We assume people are fundamentally good, that the world will be predictable, and that our choices are safe. This naïveté is not a flaw; it is a necessary phase that allows us to engage with life without constant fear. Yet it also leaves us vulnerable. When reality delivers injustice, betrayal, or suffering, this innocence can shatter, and the shock can feel unbearable.

Cynicism: The Necessary Disillusionment
Confronting the world’s unpredictability often leads to cynicism. We may feel bitter, distrustful, or hopeless. This is a natural psychological response: the naïve worldview has been challenged, and the mind is adjusting to a harsher reality. Existential thinkers like Viktor Frankl remind us that despair is not failure; it is evidence that we are grappling with reality itself. In Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey, this stage mirrors the descent into the abyss—the hero faces the shadow, experiences suffering, and is tested. Cynicism is uncomfortable, but it is a critical stage. It forces reflection, boundaries, and the recognition that life is complex, messy, and sometimes cruel.

Wisdom: Courage Beyond Cynicism
True wisdom emerges when we integrate the lessons of disillusionment without being consumed by despair. We acknowledge suffering, confront human flaws, and still choose integrity, compassion, and courage. Depression or trauma can catalyze this transformation if approached with reflection, meaning-making, and self-compassion. Existential psychology emphasizes responsibility: even in the face of suffering, choosing meaning gives us agency and direction. Wisdom does not erase pain; it reframes it as part of the story of growth. The hero, having faced the abyss, returns to the world with knowledge, resilience, and a capacity for deeper empathy.

Practical Implications for Life and Support
For those supporting someone in depression or trauma, recognizing cynicism or despair as part of a meaningful journey can shift perspective. It is rarely helpful to push for optimism prematurely. Instead:

• Encourage reflection through journaling, narrative therapy, or conversations that explore values and meaning.

• Support safe boundaries while validating emotional pain.

• Accept that growth is non-linear; revisiting stages is part of the process.

• Recognize that these experiences, while painful, can awaken courage and insight not accessible from naïveté alone.

Conclusion
The path from naïveté to cynicism to wisdom reframes suffering not as failure but as initiation. Life’s harshest experiences, when navigated thoughtfully and with support, can cultivate insight, depth, and resilience. By seeing ourselves and others through this heroic lens, we can view despair not as an end but as a chapter in the story of growth. In doing so, we honor the transformative power of hardship and embrace the possibility of emerging stronger, wiser, and more fully human.

Why Your Boss Feels Like a Bad Parent (And What to Do About It)

Ever notice how some bosses make you feel small, frustrated, or anxious?

You’re not imagining it.

The way leaders show up at work often mirrors patterns we experienced growing up. The bosses who trigger us most are hitting the same relational wounds that shaped us as kids. Recognizing this can give you clarity and real tools for handling it.

Understanding the types of leadership that trigger these old patterns can help you make sense of your reactions and respond in a healthier way.

Here are three common dynamics I see repeatedly in both work and family settings:

1. Controlling vs. Empowering

Some bosses micromanage, demean, or insist on compliance, leaving you feeling powerless. It’s the same feeling a child gets when a parent punishes or shames instead of guiding.

Healthy leaders empower people. They encourage growth, validate effort, and help you feel capable. When a boss is controlling, it’s not just annoying, it taps into old fears of inadequacy.

2. Selfish vs. Connected

Leaders who prioritize their own ego or status over the team create tension and resentment. It’s the same dynamic as a parent who puts their own needs first.

Healthy leaders care about the people they’re responsible for. They make decisions with empathy and look out for the well-being of the group. Feeling seen and valued makes a world of difference.

3. Authoritarian vs. Modeling

Some bosses demand respect through position alone, telling you what to do without showing how it’s done. This mirrors the parent who says one thing but doesn’t live it.

The best leaders lead by example. They model integrity, accountability, and emotional regulation. Watching someone embody their values teaches far more than any lecture ever could.

Why This Matters

When a boss triggers old wounds, it can feel personal, but it’s usually not. Understanding what’s happening gives you options:

• Protect your emotional well-being

• Respond strategically instead of reactively

• Model the leadership or parenting you wish you’d had

Next Steps

If you find yourself frustrated or on edge at work or noticing patterns in your own parenting, there are practical tools to navigate these dynamics. Strategies for managing anger, communicating under pressure, and breaking old patterns help you respond with awareness instead of emotion.

Leadership, like parenting, is something we can learn, practice, and get better at, even when others fail to show the way.

How High-Performers Actually Rest

Why Rest Matters

Recovery is a critical part of mental and physical performance. Elite athletes like LeBron James structure their lifestyle around sleep, nutrition, and recovery. Experts like Andrew Huberman emphasize deliberate rest practices such as NSDR and pre-performance naps to improve cognitive focus, emotional regulation, and learning. Many elite endurance athletes schedule multiple rest or nap sessions per day, combined with stretching or mobility work, to maximize performance and prevent burnout. Rest enhances mental clarity, physical recovery, and baseline dopamine—supporting motivation, resilience, and long-term sustainability.

THE ENERGY SCALE

Understanding your energy isn’t just about counting hours of sleep—it’s about recognizing the subtle shifts in your body, mind, and behavior that signal where you are on your personal energy scale. From feeling fully rested, to the early warning signs of fatigue, through moderate tiredness that begins to impact performance, and finally to severe burnout when your system is overloaded, each stage comes with distinct cognitive, emotional, and behavioral cues. By tuning into these markers, you can proactively adjust your rest, routines, and recovery strategies before your energy crashes, helping you stay productive, balanced, and resilient.

Feeling Well-Rested (Baseline)

• Clear thinking, good focus, and quick recall

• Stable mood, patience, and calmness

• Productive behavior, consistent routines, and engagement

 Fatigue — Early Signs (Your first warning)

• Mild brain fog, brief lapses in focus, slower recall

• Irritability, lower patience, mild anxiety or restlessness

• Reaching for caffeine, skipping small routines, staying busy but inefficient

Tired — Moderate Signs (Performance is now affected)

• Difficulty concentrating, more mistakes, trouble switching tasks

• Low motivation, emotional flatness, feeling easily overwhelmed

• Procrastination, social withdrawal, increased snacking or nighttime scrolling, sleep schedule drifting

Burnout — Severe Signs (System is overloaded)

• Executive function breakdown, decision fatigue, forgetfulness and mental fog

• Irritability or numbness, cynicism or detachment, loss of drive or pleasure

• Avoidance, shutdown, or isolation, reliance on caffeine/alcohol to cope, inconsistent sleep, drop in work quality or missing commitments

SLEEP

Sleep and rest are not a luxury for high-performers—it’s a cornerstone of sustained focus, productivity, and emotional regulation. Optimizing sleep goes beyond hours in bed; it’s about creating consistent routines, a supportive environment, and understanding the subtle factors that influence restorative rest.

Key Principles
Consistency over perfection matters most: a stable sleep/wake schedule strengthens circadian rhythm and improves recovery. Prioritize quality over quantity, because deep sleep and REM stages drive emotional regulation, memory consolidation, and physical repair. Nighttime sleep is irreplaceable; naps and NSDR sessions support recovery but cannot fully replicate the hormonal and neurological benefits of nighttime rest. Reduce evening stimulation by limiting screens, heavy meals, bright lights, and intense workouts before bed. Finally, supporting airway health is crucial—mild sleep apnea is common, often overlooked, and can significantly degrade sleep quality even in high-functioning adults.

Why Cooling Matters
Falling asleep requires a drop in core body temperature of 2–3°F (≈1°C). Warm environments can hinder this natural decline, leading to trouble falling asleep, fragmented rest, lower deep sleep, elevated nighttime heart rate, reduced HRV, and morning grogginess. Aim for a bedroom temperature of 60–67°F (15.5–19.5°C). Cooling strategies include keeping the room cool, using a fan or cracked window, taking a warm shower 60–90 minutes before bed to trigger the post-shower temperature drop, selecting breathable bedding, avoiding heavy pajamas, and moving intense workouts earlier in the day.

The Often-Missed Sleep Disruptor: Mild Sleep Apnea
Mild obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) affects roughly 1 in 6 adults, often without obvious symptoms. Even brief airway interruptions fragment sleep, reduce recovery hormones, increase next-day anxiety or irritability, impair focus and memory, elevate resting heart rate, lower HRV, and cause fatigue despite sufficient sleep hours. Common signs include unrefreshing sleep, snoring, morning headaches, frequent awakenings, gasping or choking at night, teeth grinding, daytime sleepiness, and elevated nighttime heart rate. High-risk individuals include those with stress, recent weight gain, larger neck circumference, back-sleepers, and those with chronic insomnia. Strategies to improve airway health include side-sleeping, limiting alcohol before bed, using nasal strips, reviewing sleep data, and consulting a physician for a home sleep test if symptoms persist.

Establishing a Simple Sleep Schedule
Anchor your day with a consistent wake time. Cool your environment to signal readiness for sleep, and follow a 30–60 minute wind-down routine that may include dimming lights, light stretching, reading, or NSDR. Set a bedtime 7–9 hours before waking and reduce evening stimulation. Morning sunlight within 30 minutes of waking reinforces your circadian rhythm.

Non-Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR)

NSDR is a powerful recovery tool that engages the parasympathetic nervous system, reduces sympathetic activation, and improves HRV. Studies show it enhances connectivity in brain networks related to attention, emotional regulation, and memory. Optimal sessions last 10–40 minutes; longer sessions may induce grogginess. Key elements include a quiet space, lying on your back with eyes closed, focusing on slow exhalations, and aiming to reduce cognitive load. Benefits include increased baseline dopamine, stress reduction, improved physical recovery, enhanced memory, and emotional regulation. NSDR complements, but does not replace, nighttime sleep.

Practical Steps & Homework

• Complete one NSDR/Yoga Nidra session today (10–40 min)

• Try NSDR during lunch or short work breaks

• Set a consistent wake-up time every day for a week

• Use a cooling strategy before bed tonight

• Track changes in focus, energy, and sleep quality over 3–5 days

NSDR Resources

YouTube:

• 10–15 min: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p_yaNFSYao

• 20–30 min: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vx8iUvfyCY

• 40 min: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1bEbszAt9g

Spotify: Search “Yoga Nidra” or “NSDR”

Adlerian Psychotherapy 101: Understanding Alfred Adler Without the Confusion

Alfred Adler (1870–1937) was born in Vienna, Austria. As a child, he faced serious illness, which inspired him to pursue medicine. His father often told him, “Alfred, question everything,” a mantra that fueled his curiosity and determination. After early struggles in school, including failing mathematics, Adler persevered and earned his M.D. from the University of Vienna in 1895.

He began his career studying health and psychology, publishing his first book in 1898, which emphasized understanding humans as whole beings shaped by both environment and physical traits. Adler briefly joined Freud’s circle but eventually parted ways due to differing views on human motivation, forming his own school of thought known as Individual Psychology. He lectured internationally and founded child guidance clinics in Vienna, influencing generations of psychologists and educators.

The Core of Adlerian Theory
At the heart of Adlerian psychology is the idea that every person strives to belong and feel significant. Feeling encouraged fosters growth, cooperation, and connection. Feeling discouraged can lead to withdrawal, competition, or giving up.

Adlerians pay special attention to childhood development. They believe that “a misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” Supporting children to feel competent and valued is often more effective than punishment or control.

Inferiority, Lifestyle, and Personal Growth
Adler emphasized that feelings of inferiority—arising from family dynamics, physical conditions, or social disconnection—shape our behaviors. Each person develops a unique “lifestyle,” a set of beliefs and strategies formed in childhood that guides how they see themselves, others, and the world. By understanding these patterns, individuals can pursue meaningful growth, self-awareness, and healthier relationships.

Encouragement and Social Connection
Central to Adlerian practice is the role of encouragement and social interest. Contributing to others, building meaningful connections, and learning from social environments help people feel significant and supported. Personal growth isn’t just internal—it is relational, guided by how we connect, contribute, and engage with the world.

Legacy and Influence on Therapy
Adler passed away suddenly in 1937 while lecturing in Scotland, but his ideas continue to shape psychotherapy and human development. His emphasis on encouragement, social connection, and holistic understanding influenced the development of:

• Individual Psychology (his original system)

• Child Guidance Clinics and Parent Education Programs

• Family Therapy (drawing on his ideas about birth order and family dynamics)

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) principles, particularly around beliefs, lifestyle, and goal-directed behavior

• Humanistic and Existential Therapies, emphasizing social interest, purpose, and personal growth

Adler’s work reminds us that human growth comes from connection, encouragement, and a holistic view of the individual—seeing people as socially embedded beings striving for significance and belonging.